The Art of a Sincere Apology

How to Own Your Mistakes Without Overdoing It

Social support is an enjoyable and often essential form of connection in our lives. Healthy social connections are linked to reduced stress and less feelings of loneliness, as well as improved coping and self-esteem (“Manage Stress: Strengthen Your Support Network,” 2024). However, occasionally, we all experience conflicts in our relationships that may require resolution In order to sustain those Interpersonal attachments. In the tool-kit of social repair, a sincere apology is essential for resolving issues and, possibly, building an even stronger bond.

But we hear the words, “I’m sorry”, all the time. We may utter the words if we accidentally bump into someone on the street or even if we didn’t hear someone properly. In some ways, this social norm has diluted the earnestness behind expressions of regret, which correlates mostly with mending minor, minimally harmful blunders. However, the art of a sincere apology takes more than a simple "I'm sorry." Sometimes we can really hurt the people in our lives with our words and actions, which may require a more effortful, accountable amends.

Apologizing is the act of expressing regret or remorse to someone when you have done something (intentionally or unintentionally) that's caused offense or hurt. A sincere and genuine apology goes beyond just saying “I’m sorry,” but sometimes we don't know what else to say. A good example of an effective apology can include the following ingredients:

1. Acknowledgment and responsibility for your actions

2. Regret about how your actions affected the other person

3. An commitment to change your behavior (and following through with your intent) so you don’t make the same mistake again

4. Asking what you could to do make amends

Apologies can help the wrongdoer take responsibility for their actions and help reduce any guilt they may hold about their behavior. Subsequently, a good apology can make the person who was wronged feel heard, respected, and understood. Good apology skills can serve as a great source of building better communication In your relationships and can allow for opportunities to learn from your mistakes (Howell, Turowski, & Buro, 2012; Schumann & Dweck, 2014).

Sincere Apologies: Where, When, How?

There are several examples of contexts in which apologies may be necessary. Whether at work, school, home with your family, out with your partner and friends, or interacting with a stranger, mistakes can (and probably will) happen anywhere. Typically, when you make a mistake or hurt someone, it is important to apologize to those you've affected.

For example, maybe you missed an important deadline on a project at work and failed to communicate any challenges you had. Perhaps this mistake lost you a client or added more work for a colleague or supervisor. The first step here might need to be acknowledging to yourself that you are only human and mistakes like this happen. This can help to reduce the barriers that might otherwise prevent you from taking the following, necessary steps. Next, consider apologizing to those directly affected by your miscommunication and offer assistance in resolving any issues it has caused. In this situation, you might also need to hold yourself accountable to your superior, taking additional steps to confront your mistake directly and, in turn, demonstrating your commitment to better communication.

The honest truth is that admitting to wrongdoing can be a really challenging experience for many people. It's perfectly normal to feel nervous, anxious, or worried about how the apology will turn out. Remember, feeling these uncomfortable emotions and sensations likely stems from your care and desire for a positive outcome. However, your mind might fixate on your initial mistake, leading you to worry about making things worse. This is when our stress response may be triggered, pushing us into fight-flight-freeze mode, which can impede our ability to communicate effectively. So here are some good examples of what a sincere apology could sound like:

1. What I did was wrong and I am so sorry for hurting you.

2. I wish I could take back what I said (or did) and be more considerate of your feelings.

3. Next time, I will be more mindful about what I say (or do).

4. What can I do right now to make you feel better or help our relationship?

As you may have noticed, these four sentences match the ingredients of a good apology that were listed earlier. Pairing these skills with calming techniques, such as mindful breathing and sensory grounding, can help you regulate your internal stress more effectively, and make It through to the other side of this uncomfortable experience.

It is important to note that every apology may not follow this exact formula, as your apology will likely have to be tailored to the situation and the person you are communicating with. However, this is a good basis to start from, and to later customize, if you are trying to find the right words for your apology.

A critical key to apologizing sincerely is saying your apology with empathy. It may not have been your intention to hurt someone, but you still made an impact on them that caused hurt. Being willing and able to see how they felt in this situation and understanding how it could have affected them is what being empathic Is all about. Without some degree of empathy, it's likely your apology won't come across as heartfelt.

A Few More Examples

My brain learns best with examples, metaphors, and analogies, so I always like to lean Into this mode when teaching communication skills. Check out the additional examples of situations that may require an apology, along with suitable ways to express one, In various scenarios:

• If you want or need to cancel plans, but at the last minute:

  • Hey, I am so sorry I had to cancel our dinner when you had already made it to the restaurant. I should have let you know earlier that I was having a long, hard day and wouldn’t be able to be present with you. You and your time deserve more respect than that and I will make sure to honor that next time.

• If you took a joke too far:

  • I am truly sorry for poking fun at you, I realize now that I crossed a line. Although it wasn’t my intention to hurt your feelings, I recognize that my words were hurtful. What can I do to make this better?

• If you broke a nice vase at your friend’s house:

  • I am sorry and feel awful about accidentally breaking your vase. It was beautiful and I should have been much more careful. I am happy to cover the cost and buy you a new one. What type of vase would you like?

    
    

As you may notice, apologies can be expressed in a myriad of ways. In order to be sincere, it is important to empathize with the other person’s feelings first, and personalize your apology to fit the situation.

Consequences of Over-Apologizing

Many of us also have the tendency to over-apologize, which can be as problematic as refusing to apologize at all. As a mental health clinician, I most often see this behavior connected to people-pleasing and those who look for relief from their internal distress through compulsive reassurance-seeking. Overwhelming emotions such as guilt, shame, anxiety, and insecurity can drive some, even preemptively, to apologize for their actual mistakes or perceived missteps that might upset others.

Over-apologizing is problematic because it fosters an unhealthy dynamic that breeds inequity and resentment. This behavior not only amplifies the initial mistake you made, but also highlights your discomfort with your own fallibility. By focusing excessively on your own feelings, you place an undue burden on the person you've harmed, shifting the focus away from their experience and making the situation about you. This can undermine your self-respect, as it may signal a lack of confidence in your own worth and judgment. Additionally, in relationships, it can erode trust and create an imbalance, as the other person may feel responsible for managing your emotional state rather than addressing the real Issues that arise In the relationship.

In Sum

Hopefully, you don’t find yourself in frequent situations where apologies are necessary. But in case you do, remember that even though apologizing can be nerve-wracking, it can also help you grow personally and improve your relationships. Furthermore, it can help you reel-in the compulsive pardon-begging and learn to sit with and accept the internal experiences that come along with being a fallible human. This has the potential to not only serve as an interpersonal asset, but to help you cope better with other life challenges in more meaningful and value-driven ways.

References

Howell, A. J., Turowski, J. B., & Buro, K. (2012). Guilt, empathy, and apology. Personality and Individual Differences, 53(7), 917-922.

Manage stress: Strengthen your support network. (2024, October 22). https://www.apa.org. https://www.apa.org/topics/stress/manage-social-support

Schumann, K., & Dweck, C. S. (2014). Who accepts responsibility for their transgressions?. Personality and social psychology bulletin, 40(12), 1598-1610.

About the Author

Katie Bingner has been practicing mental health counseling since 2015 and specializes in helping adults navigate and overcome challenges related to anxiety, grief, life transitions, relationship struggles and development trauma.

With a focus on Individualized meaning, Katie's approach is all about supporting clients in their journey to discover what truly matters to them and the person they seek to be, even in the midst of life challenges.

Katie also offers non-clinical, short-term communication coaching to help those who want to find their authentic voice and use it effectively—without getting bogged down in the therapeutic complexities of "why." Her approach uses practical strategies and personalized techniques to help you communicate with clarity and confidence. Reach out today to learn more!