Grieving During the Holidays

A guide for understanding, coping, and validation

Katie Bingner, MS, LCPC

We've all been taught that the holidays are meant to be “joyful,” but for many people they are a time when grief surfaces with intense force. Decorations, rituals, traditions, family gatherings, and even songs act as reminders of absence and cause sharp pains in the minds and bodies of those in grief—sometimes weeks or months before a meaningful date arrives.

So, if you’re reading this because your grief feels louder now, just know that makes complete sense. I am writing this post, in part, to normalize those experiences. To help explain why the season can be so hard (including for those experiencing anticipatory grief and caregiver stress), and offer practical, evidence-based ways to cope.

Why the holidays are amplifying your grief

Holidays, special occasions and anniversaries are expected triggers for increased grief, anxiety, and depressive symptoms. Research shows that holidays and anniversaries can concentrate painful memories and reminders of loss and lead to spikes in distress for people who are in grief—whether it be from the death of a loved one (to include animals), the loss of a home, or other meaningful losses. Think of these times as “emotionally loaded”—they combine expectation (that things should feel happy, warm, joyful) with painful memories and heartache (reminders of who and what is missing).  

When unrealistic expectations collide with painful realities, everything feels worse and is more difficult to cope with. You may notice yourself or loved one feeling:

• A sense of unreality or numbness around holiday plans

• Heightened sadness, anger, or irritability tied to traditions

• Guilt for feeling joy (or not), or guilt for not being able to “do everything” for family or a loved one who’s ill

• Exhaustion, poor sleep, appetite changes, or increased use of alcohol/medication as a way to cope

• Difficulty making decisions about traditions (to keep, change, or skip them)

• Anticipatory worry for the upcoming holiday itself—imagining how you’ll feel on the day, dispair that it cannot be like years past

The most important thing to remember is that there is no wrong way to grieve and that none of these reactions mean you’re failing. Grief is not linear and healing doesn't come with a checklist; it’s a set of ebbing and flowing internal experiences (thoughts, emotions, physical sensations) that unfold, like waves, in your body and mind and are shaped by relationship, meaning, resources and expectations.

Anticipatory grief—what it is and how it shows up

What it is. Anticipatory grief occurs before an expected loss—common when someone is dying, living with progressive illness (like dementia), or facing a life-changing transition. It contains many of the same feelings as grief after a death (sadness, anger, longing), but it also mixes in anticipatory tasks (planning, “practicing” goodbye, addressing unfinished business). Witnessing the suffering of others often brings significant anxiety. This feeling is intensified by our helplessness in preventing or alleviating the suffering and the inevitable, ultimate loss. It's also common to have increased thoughts about mortality—our own and of those we hold hear—which, let's be honest, doesn't exactly vibe with the "holiday spirit."

Why the holidays make it more complicated. During the holiday season, we might feel external pressure to engage in togetherness and rituals that we just aren't up for. When a family member is ill, the months leading up to the holiday become a landscape of mixed realities: connection through celebration and disconnection through loss, overlapping. That juxtaposition can intensify anticipatory grief. You may cycle between hopeful moments (small improvements, having “one more holiday”) and pre-loss mourning (grieving the gradual changes or the loss of who the person used to be). It can be even more devastating when we don't have enough connection or support from people who have the capacity to be with our dispair (without trying to fix it), leaving us to carry our heavy pain alone.

Common signs of anticipatory grief (especially during the holidays):

• Preoccupation with “what ifs” and the future of family traditions.

• Ambivalent emotions: relief mixed with guilt, or closeness mixed with loneliness.

• Physical symptoms of stress (headaches, GI upset, sleep disturbance).

• Trying to “protect” others by hiding your own sadness, isolating or minimizing your pain.

• Preoccupations about death and dying (existential distress, not suicidal ideation).

Clinical note: anticipatory grief can sometimes be adaptive—it allows practical and emotional preparation—but if it becomes chronic, overwhelming, or functionally impairing, it raises risk for complicated bereavement after the loss. If your distress is interfering with day-to-day functioning, it may be time to consider professional support.  

Caregiver stress during the holiday season

Caring for an ill or aging loved one is demanding any time of year, but the holidays bring extra pressure: altered routines, additional social expectations, financial strain, and less personal rest. Surveys and research consistently find that many caregivers report heightened stress around the holidays, and that caregivers often change traditions, cut spending, or feel emotionally strained during this season. The burdens carried by caregivers are associated with higher anxiety and depressive symptoms and can influence their experience of bereavement after the death.

Why this matters: caregiver stress is not only an acute problem; it can accumulate (burnout, sick leave, depressive episodes) and shape the way grief develops after a death. Caregiving often involves anticipatory grieving, role changes, and the practical work of planning — all of which interact with how holidays are expected to be experienced.  

My friends at Mesothelioma Hope have put together an extensive resource page that focuses on caregivers' emotional and physical well-being. It offers support resources like:

• A Daily Self-Care Checklist

• Tips to Prevent Burnout

• Support Group Resources

Practical strategies to help navigate the holidays

As promised, below are some strategies recommended by the National Counsel on Aging, grounded in clinical practice and research focused on bereavement and caregiving experiences. Use what fits; discard what doesn’t.

1. Plan ahead, and set realistic expectations

Consider which events will likely be hardest (dates, meals, rituals) ahead of time and make a plan: leave early, take breaks, or arrange a “quiet room.” Planning reduces surprises and gives you a sense of control, which lowers physiological stress.  

2. Be explicit about your boundaries and capability

Say things like, “I can come for an hour,” or “I’ll bring dessert, but I won’t stay late.” Caregivers, in particular, often feel pressure to “do it all,” so practice giving yourself permission to take things off your plate. Setting and communicating boundaries is both compassionate and practical.  

3. Create meaningful, flexible rituals

You can honor a loved one without insisting on “business as usual.” Small, intentional acts (lighting a candle, sharing a memory, playing one song) can hold meaning without requiring the old script. Research on special occasions suggests modified rituals often help maintain continuity while reducing distress.  

4. Share the load, delegate concrete tasks

Practical help (driving, cooking, running errands) is more helpful than general offers of support. If someone says “Let me know how to help,” suggest specific things: “Can you pick up the turkey?” or “Can you sit with Mom for an hour so I can nap?” This reduces caregiver exhaustion. Plan ahead: In the weeks leading up to a holiday, make a short list of practical tasks others could help you. That way, with when things become intense, it's ready to share!

5. Practice compassionate self-care

Sleep, nutrition, and brief restorative practices matter. Even five minutes of grounding breathing, a short walk, or a micro-movement-break can reduce sympathetic arousal, help you remain present, and increase resilience. If you’re a caregiver, schedule “mini-respite” breaks and accept help.  

6. Name the feelings and allow them

Labeling emotions (e.g., “I’m feeling lonely and angry today”) reduces their intensity and increases regulation. If you’re with family, naming the loss briefly — “I miss Dad today” — gives permission for shared grief and reduces isolation. The APA recommends acknowledging loss rather than avoiding it. A grief journal can be an essential tool for supporting this practice.

7. Consider professional or peer support

Support groups, hospice bereavement services, and brief therapy are helpful supports for both anticipatory grief and caregiver burnout. For example, Accelerated Resolution Therapy (ART) has been proven effective in quickly and sustainably helping those effected by prolonged/complex grief move toward healing, increasing feelings of peace and acceptance in as little as one treatment session. If your symptoms are severe (suicidal thoughts, incapacitating depression, or significant functional decline), seek immediate clinical care.  

3 Easy ways to support someone who’s grieving during the holidays

1. Acknowledge the loss. Simple recognitions like “I know this is hard” and "I'm here, you don't have to go through this alone" can be profoundly validating. Avoid platitudes like "everything happens for a reason" and "at least [lost loved one] is in a better place"—they don't help.

2. Offer specific, concrete help. Consider their daily responsibilities and offer to help with them (meals, childcare, rides, phone calls, going through the mail). If they are unable to identify what would be helpful, let them know you'll check back in a few days to offer again.

3. Invite but don’t pressure. Open invitations without expectations are a gift. Let them decide about the traditions they want to engage in or not.

When to get extra help (red flags)

As we have established, grief, loss, and bereavement are deeply intense, ongoing experiences that can present in unexpected ways (not crying, rage, numbness, avoidance, unpredictable timing). This is all normal for the grieving experience. However, there are also signs when professional support is needed. If you notice:

• Persistent suicidal ideation or thoughts/acts of self-harm

• Severe insomnia, appetite loss, or an inability to function at work/home

• Extreme avoidance/isolation or substance use escalation to cope

• Prolonged numbness or derealization interfering with daily life

These are signs that grief or caregiver burden may be exceeding one's coping capacity and that targeted treatment is warranted.  

Key Takeaway: Make the season what you need it to be

In sum, holidays have cultural scripts—but grief doesn't follow a script. You are allowed to adapt or abandon traditions, to rest, to say no, and to seek help. Anticipatory grief and caregiver stress are real, measurable, and treatable phenomena. They don’t mean you are failing; they mean you are human and you are responding to loss and responsibility under extreme circumstances. Clinical and community supports are available—you don’t have to carry everything alone.

Resources:

Carr, D. (2013). Do Special Occasions Trigger Psychological Distress? — study on grief and special dates.  

American Psychological Association — tips for supporting grief during the holidays and coping tools.  

CancerCare: Anticipatory Grief — overview and coping strategies.  

Bijnsdorp et al., (2022). Caregiver’s burden at the end of life (PMC). — trajectories of caregiver burden.  

Boerner et al., (2009). Caregiving, bereavement and complicated grief — how caregiving affects bereavement outcomes.  

AARP & caregiver surveys on holiday stress.  

NCOA / hospice provider resources: practical tips for holiday coping and ritual adaptations.